Twice the pain

Posting blogs out of sequence is something I never do but with the night and morning that I had, I believe it's worth talking about. At the beginning of each month, I fill out my calendar with things that I have coming up with birthday celebrations, concerts, sporting events etc. Each month I always hope that two of those days are filled to keep me busy.. the 21st and 27th. The significance of these days are purely based on the passing of both of my grandparents on my father's side. It's not like I intentionally set these days aside to mourn, who would right? I'm pretty good with dates so that's probably why I'm able to remember and when I do, I always try to go by and visit their grave just to pay some respect. No one else visits them on a regular basis because both of my parents are busy so I put it on myself to do so. It sucks that I remember these days sometimes because I always get buồn [to me I find this word to be more of a mixture of things than just 'sad'] thinking about the broken bond that I had with them. On these days or the days leading up to it, I think about my dad and how lonely he must feel. My mom is on the phone all the time with her other siblings and mother while my dad has no one to call and talk to really. He has his sister but then I know he doesn't want to seem like a burden to her calling all the time. As for me, I remember too much. It feels  like yesterday when my grandmother passed and the ridiculous tough time I went through for an entire year to find spiritual healing and forgiveness. I think about the day at work when I found out about my grandfathers stroke and how heartbreaking it was to see him being transferred to my job site (OLOL) and how my fellow contractors were there for my father and me that sad day in October. Tomorrow marks 10 months since he's been gone and as sad as I got this morning, I don't know how I'll be when his one year anniversary hits. Is it bad that I don't like to spend it alone so I can have a distraction from having to think? The good things, the bad, and everything in between. Being trapped at work all day is bad enough but to be trapped at home is just a nightmare. I just like to be occupied this time of the month. It's really mind over body though. It's good to have a bit of spiritual cleansing from time to time. Whether I attend a church service, listen to his favorite gospel songs, or even shed a few tears to ease the pain, having something like this from time to time makes the painful memories go away and leave a good kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that allows me to miss but not cry. Instead I try to smile knowing he's reunited with his wife in Heaven. For almost two years, he walked alone after her passing and now I can see them walking hand in hand. You can't help but smile picturing it. So why can't I?

Michael W. Smith - Shout to the Lord